A Third Baby?...

Don't freak out...I am not pregnant but, Jen asked me in her comments, Do you and Wayne plan to have any more babies? Of all of her questions this is perhaps the most complex one to answer. Let's start at the beginning.



I am the youngest child of three. I have had the pleasure of having an older brother who always protected me, looked out for me, terrorized me...wait how did that slip in there, and of course did and still does anything for me. I also have an older sister who was and is my best friend, watched out for me, fought with me(hair pulling style) and helped nurture me into the woman I am today. With that said....I feel a kinship to the number three...I always have, it is afterall my favorite number. What would my family have been if I had never come into it? What would my sister and brother be like, had I not been part of their lives?



That said, growing up I wanted 4 kids, 2 boys, 2 girls, then everyone would have the benefit of a same sex sibling. I guess I always felt a little bad for my bro that neither Lisa or I could understand him on that guy level. We did our best in the early years, playing Transformers, Matchbox cars, and Wrestlemania, but we never really could be the brother I think he always wanted. Later in life, he would find that "brother" in his best friend Kevin. I think the day I found out I was having a 2nd boy my brother was the most excited in the whole family. Maybe a part of him was really glad for Z that he was going to get a brother, I know I harbored hopes, and still do, that my boys will grow into being the best of friends one day.



Sometime over the course of growing up I shaved off the number of kids, from 4 to 3. I knew that in these economic times it wasn't pratical to have 4 children. I began to think I could do more for 3, give them more, spend more time with them ect. So in my heart I've carried the number 3, thinking that was the perfect number, the number of kids I have always associated with. Enter Wayne.



I very distinctively remember a moment in our dating life, about 6 months in, when Wayne and I went on a walk through his neighborhood. We talked about our jobs, our families and our hopes for the future. I was always very upfront that one day I wanted kids(3), and Wayne was a little hesitant on the idea of having any, or particularly more than 1. At one point on that walk Wayne turned to me and said, "I've given it some thought, and I think as long as we are financially stable, we might be able to have two kids someday." I guess I remember that moment, because Wayne has been true to his word,then and now. He is logic where I am emotion. That day I felt a small victory...we were 2/3rds of the way to my dream family.



The thing is the operative word there is "my" dream family. Wayne has told me a hundred times that two is it. I understand, he wants to be able to give the boys more, travel, have time with each other, end the baby phase in a few years and enjoy what we've built. The logical part of me gets that, even agrees most days when the boys are running me ragged and I think, "Why would I want to add to this mayhem?" And yet a 3rd...well I don't know. I do know that it would take a miracle to get Wayne on board for a 3rd, and I'm not a pretend I made a "mistake" kind of girl, so I guess that leaves me waiting on the miracle conversation where Wayne finally says, "Sure Am, we can afford three, it sounds like a plan!" I am pretty sure that day will probably not come, but I still dream sometimes it will(Not any day soon, because right now, I think I would panic if I found out I was preggo...you know like lose my sh*t style freakout).



I am also a thinker, a person who needs to analyze things, what will happen, could happen. I know that the next thing I write will enrage some people, make them think I am an unappreciative brat and that I am horrible for putting this into words. I have asked myself a million times over, "Do you really want a 3rd child, or do you just want a daughter?" (Please forgive me ladies if you or anyone you know has ever struggled to have one healthy child, I do not mean to seem unappreciative of my blessings.) This is a question I can't answer today. I know that I love my sons, I wouldn't trade them for all the girls in the world, and that each of them was sent to me from God for very significant reasons, but I will not sugar coat it...I want a daughter. As bizarre as it sounds, it never occurred to me I wouldn't have one, and that realization is a bitter pill to swallow. It is probably one you can only understand if you have no daughter, and your best friends are your female blood relatives like your Mom and sister, maybe you can only understand it if you are me. However, I would never have another child just to try to have a girl, because the truth is if I was fortunate enough to have a 3rd healthy baby boy I wouldn't want to feel disappointment, even for a second. Somehow being the only woman in a family of 5 seems overwhelming even for me, so as of today, I would say I am on the fence about a 3rd. I guess I am waiting, hoping for a push in one direction or another. I keep hoping for an epiphony, a moment where I look across the dinner table and know in my heart that my whole family is there. So far, I haven't had that moment, so the number 3 floats in my mind, it may stay there, floating away for the next 50 years. For now I feel very grateful that I have my boys, and equally important that they have each other. Don't think for a moment that I don't know how truly lucky I am.



Whew Jen, that was a tough one~ How about you? Does anyone else out there struggle with the "perfect" number of kids for their family?