A New Year begins...

I have been very reflective for the last few days. I got to thinking one night that in 2010, I didn't work one day out of my home. Therefore I am dubbing 2010, the year I was a SAHM- translation...Stay at home Mom.

Being able to be home for the last 14 months with my boys has meant more to me than I will every be able to express. I have been able to savor the mornings, playing in our pj's not having to worry about hustling out the door, bags being packed, breakfasts being rushed. I have been able to feed them lunch every day, tuck them in for nap time every afternoon, and relish the hours, I would have missed if I'd been working. I have been able to be their constant, and while I know when I head back to work in a few weeks, I will still be their constant, it will be in an entirely different way.

It has been a blessing seeing Matt through nearly every moment of his first year, and really being able to see his firsts as they were happening, it has also been remarkable to watch Z grow into a little boy from a toddling baby 14 months ago. His jokes and stories brighten my days, and I know I will look forward to hearing all about what he has been up to at "school". No one can tell a story quite like that little boy.

Their is a sadness in my heart as I write, mostly because I am on the brink of change. When I left my job last October, I knew it wasn't forever, and yet my return seemed an eternity away. Over the last year, if I am entirely honest there have been days when I have felt like I would run out the door back to my job, just to get away from the crying, the fits, the constant needs/wants, it is my responsibility to fill in a given day. Being a mother who stays home constantly with their children is a marvel. It makes you dig deep into your core. It changes you. There are days that you don't get to savor a single moment, not a cup of coffee, a good show, a song you love singing, nothing! Those days are tough, but if your smart and you stop, you'll see a hug shared between brothers, hear a joke that makes no sense, but truly entertains your two year old, watch a one year old learn to build blocks, or flash you a set of dimples that warms your heart. You will see a fall, and be able to have the honor of being the one to console your child, your children, your world. It is a remarkable role, one of honor, one that is not for the faint of heart, one that requires selfishness at all times, because to be honest in my experience, a little part of "you" gets lost in them, maybe in some cases, a lot of you gets lost. And while a part of me wishes daily I could walk the path of being a SAHM another month, year, decade, its not in the cards for me.

Why? I could tell you I need the money, and its sort of true. I need the money to live the lifestyle my husband and I committed to. I need to help pay for our new house, our bills, my school loans, etc. Then again, I could live without the new house, the nice car, the new gadgets we just have to have to stay home with my sons. I could, but I don't. I love my sons. I love my husband, I love my life, but I also love myself. I love the part of me that stands up in the front of a classroom and explores words, lives, and moments. I love the girl who existed before Wayne came into my life and made me a wife, before Zach and Matt came into my life and made me a mother, I love that girl who went out and educated herself and made HERSELF a teacher.

In 30 years, my sons will have grown into men. I know that will happen, as much as I want them to stay the boys they are. In 30 yrs, I won't feel the heartbreak I feel tonight even thinking of leaving my sons and returning to the "workforce". In 30 years, I will still be a wife, a mother, a teacher(most likely retired), and a woman who tries her best to give all she can to each of those roles.

I am sad. I am excited. I am nervous. I am scared. I am on the brink of change. 2011, is not the year of being a SAHM for me, but it was an honor to have the opportunity at least once in my life. A special thanks to my husband, who made it possible for me to have this cherished time with our sons. I will miss the role, I will miss being a stay at home mom year round, but rejoice in the fact that regardless of the title, working, stay at home, etc. I will always be Zach and Matt's full-time Mom. (Boy am I glad I get summer's off, so I can dabble in this role again!)