Thursday, July 8, 2010

A Third Baby?...

Don't freak out...I am not pregnant but, Jen asked me in her comments, Do you and Wayne plan to have any more babies? Of all of her questions this is perhaps the most complex one to answer. Let's start at the beginning.



I am the youngest child of three. I have had the pleasure of having an older brother who always protected me, looked out for me, terrorized me...wait how did that slip in there, and of course did and still does anything for me. I also have an older sister who was and is my best friend, watched out for me, fought with me(hair pulling style) and helped nurture me into the woman I am today. With that said....I feel a kinship to the number three...I always have, it is afterall my favorite number. What would my family have been if I had never come into it? What would my sister and brother be like, had I not been part of their lives?



That said, growing up I wanted 4 kids, 2 boys, 2 girls, then everyone would have the benefit of a same sex sibling. I guess I always felt a little bad for my bro that neither Lisa or I could understand him on that guy level. We did our best in the early years, playing Transformers, Matchbox cars, and Wrestlemania, but we never really could be the brother I think he always wanted. Later in life, he would find that "brother" in his best friend Kevin. I think the day I found out I was having a 2nd boy my brother was the most excited in the whole family. Maybe a part of him was really glad for Z that he was going to get a brother, I know I harbored hopes, and still do, that my boys will grow into being the best of friends one day.



Sometime over the course of growing up I shaved off the number of kids, from 4 to 3. I knew that in these economic times it wasn't pratical to have 4 children. I began to think I could do more for 3, give them more, spend more time with them ect. So in my heart I've carried the number 3, thinking that was the perfect number, the number of kids I have always associated with. Enter Wayne.



I very distinctively remember a moment in our dating life, about 6 months in, when Wayne and I went on a walk through his neighborhood. We talked about our jobs, our families and our hopes for the future. I was always very upfront that one day I wanted kids(3), and Wayne was a little hesitant on the idea of having any, or particularly more than 1. At one point on that walk Wayne turned to me and said, "I've given it some thought, and I think as long as we are financially stable, we might be able to have two kids someday." I guess I remember that moment, because Wayne has been true to his word,then and now. He is logic where I am emotion. That day I felt a small victory...we were 2/3rds of the way to my dream family.



The thing is the operative word there is "my" dream family. Wayne has told me a hundred times that two is it. I understand, he wants to be able to give the boys more, travel, have time with each other, end the baby phase in a few years and enjoy what we've built. The logical part of me gets that, even agrees most days when the boys are running me ragged and I think, "Why would I want to add to this mayhem?" And yet a 3rd...well I don't know. I do know that it would take a miracle to get Wayne on board for a 3rd, and I'm not a pretend I made a "mistake" kind of girl, so I guess that leaves me waiting on the miracle conversation where Wayne finally says, "Sure Am, we can afford three, it sounds like a plan!" I am pretty sure that day will probably not come, but I still dream sometimes it will(Not any day soon, because right now, I think I would panic if I found out I was preggo...you know like lose my sh*t style freakout).



I am also a thinker, a person who needs to analyze things, what will happen, could happen. I know that the next thing I write will enrage some people, make them think I am an unappreciative brat and that I am horrible for putting this into words. I have asked myself a million times over, "Do you really want a 3rd child, or do you just want a daughter?" (Please forgive me ladies if you or anyone you know has ever struggled to have one healthy child, I do not mean to seem unappreciative of my blessings.) This is a question I can't answer today. I know that I love my sons, I wouldn't trade them for all the girls in the world, and that each of them was sent to me from God for very significant reasons, but I will not sugar coat it...I want a daughter. As bizarre as it sounds, it never occurred to me I wouldn't have one, and that realization is a bitter pill to swallow. It is probably one you can only understand if you have no daughter, and your best friends are your female blood relatives like your Mom and sister, maybe you can only understand it if you are me. However, I would never have another child just to try to have a girl, because the truth is if I was fortunate enough to have a 3rd healthy baby boy I wouldn't want to feel disappointment, even for a second. Somehow being the only woman in a family of 5 seems overwhelming even for me, so as of today, I would say I am on the fence about a 3rd. I guess I am waiting, hoping for a push in one direction or another. I keep hoping for an epiphony, a moment where I look across the dinner table and know in my heart that my whole family is there. So far, I haven't had that moment, so the number 3 floats in my mind, it may stay there, floating away for the next 50 years. For now I feel very grateful that I have my boys, and equally important that they have each other. Don't think for a moment that I don't know how truly lucky I am.



Whew Jen, that was a tough one~ How about you? Does anyone else out there struggle with the "perfect" number of kids for their family?

5 comments:

  1. What I wouldn't do just to have one bio child of our own!!!!! SO I guess the number of bio kids I would want is one, if we are able to have more the better it would be. BUT for now I say one as we have been tring for 5 years!!!! Don't get me wrong I love the kids that we have now, but feeling that life inside you know that it was created with love is something I want to experience!

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  2. Olivia- I can't even imagine how you feel. I have many loved ones/friends that have struggled to have biological children and I felt so selfish writing that post about wanting a daughter, but I am honest to a fault, so there it was. I pray often that one day you and Ry will be blessed with a biological child as well, although I know you love your boys just as much as I love mine. I truly believe that all things happen for a reason, and I do believe one day you will get to experience firsthand the wonder of bearing a child.

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  3. Its ok you are just one of the lucky ones that can have kids, therfore you should just keep having them and then you can give one to us!!!! hahahaha and Thanks for the prayers, maybe one day soon it will happen for us!

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  4. Beautifully said Am. My brother and SIL have been trying to conceive for the better part of 3 years now and whenever I talk/write about my decision to have another baby...I can't help but feel sad for them and every couple out there trying so hard to even have one healthy child. But my SIL is great at explaining that while I will never understand what it is like to be in her shoes, she will never understand what it is like to be in mine. Meaning, she knows that for someone who can get pregnant easily, it must be difficult to decide when your family is complete. Eric and I seem to be on the same page with #3, but because I have experienced the joy of having a child, it's hard not to want to experience that again. Like you...I always had a desire for a daughter. I am very close with my mom and I always wanted to be able to experience that relationship with my own daughter. So with that, I can honestly say that if Eric and I woul have had two boys, I would have been much more open to a third. But that's just me being honest too. It's very difficult to talk like this without seeming ungratful somehow, but it's how we feel and I think every woman is entitled to that kind of honesty when it comes to making decisions as big as having children. My SIL always jokes that maybe I could "loan her my prego luck" and I swear I would give anything to be able to do that. And I know you would do that for your sisters if you could too ;) Thanks for answering such a tough question sweetie!

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  5. Interesting read and I appreciate your honesty. I agree w/your comment that it can be hard to be honest for fear of seeming ungrateful. My husband and I have one (boy) and had always discussed having 2 kids. I also struggle with my personal desire to have "one of each" - I'd love to have a daughter now that I have a son. However - I'd love for my son to have a brother, and I know that I'd love boy #2...how could you not love a new little life looking to you for caretaking and safekeeping, be it boy or girl? But I do wonder if I'd always feel a little unfinished, like our family wasn't quite complete because it didn't look like I imagined. Recently my husband and I shared with each other that we'd both been thinking about what it would be like to have a third child (and we don't even have a second yet; talk about jumping the gun and taking for granted that we can have more...this is that honesty stuff that sounds bad and seems ungrateful). I have to say that the idea of three actually made me panic a little bit! So I guess that tells me not to get ahead of myself, to be thankful if we're able to have a #2, and contemplate a #3 if and when the time comes!

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