This side of sun-up

As a SAHM, I've had the luxury or hell, of getting up when the kids do. Some mothers probably get up before their children so they can dress themselves and make themselve look presentable. I have to admit when I was at home, I didn't really see the need to apply make-up and put on a sassy outfit just to have someone wipe their hands, or nose, on it. I was not one of those fashion moms and looking back I'm glad I didn't waste the time.

Sleep. It is a word and action that all mother's crave. Sadly I will be functioning on about 2 hrs less of sleep until summer arrives, then its back to the toddler sleeping schedule. What I didn't realize when you get up at 5 in the morning is how quiet it is in the house. How you can watch DVR'd shows without interuption, and how quickly you can dress, feed yourself and be ready to be out the door. I know that as the weeks pass I will be hitting snooze more and more, getting just a little less put together one day at a time, but for today. I am marveling at this side of sun-up and thinking of a Robert Frost line, "Miles to go before I sleep..." Good luck everyone in getting through your miles today. I've got my "race" plan all set, now its just about digging in and getting it done.

Happy Monday!

We're seeing pink...

And lots of it! The boys started back to daycare this week. They were there a total of nine hrs in two days, and BOTH of them not only have PINK eye, but Matt has a double ear infection, and Zach has a super red sore throat, terrible cough and super gross runny nose.

Isn't it funny how Matt has not been on antibiotics once in his 14 months of life, and after only two ventures into daycare, he is on a 10 day regiment. At least this explains his sour mood, and random outbursts. I thought he was just super upset about the changes in his life. Now at least I know it is a combination of at least two things. My poor baby.

Zach woke up this morning, coughing, and complaining about how he can't smell. I felt bad for my little man, who also hasn't been on antibiotics since his last forey into childcare. He looked at me and said, "I don't want to be sick, I want to be healthy!" Break my heart will you!

Aside from the round of antibiotics we are all on our way to a new normal. Once we get through the next week or two, we'll be adjusted into our new routines. I am still sad that my return to work means I won't be spending as much time with my sons, but I also know that change is part of life, and we'll get through it together.

Some of the funny things in my life...

My boys crack me up. I sometimes wonder what I used to talk about/think about before they came into my life, but I have it on good authority that I had plenty to say about everything back then too!

Things that Matt does that make me smile:

I love that he is blowing kisses now. His little chubby hand reaching up and touching his lips and a smooching sound coming moments later. Usually well after his hand has left his mouth.

He makes me laugh when he picks up a ball, and looks for Lennie to come play with him. By play with him, I mean Matt holds the ball and spins in a circle while Lennie tries to take it away.

Matt throws the funniest temper tantrums. He actually tries to do a headstand in protest when he doesn't get his way. What causes Matt to have fits these days is also comical. He gets mad that he can't have Zach's cup. Even though his is a foot away, having been discarded since it is not Z's. I actually think he is just super smart and realizes that Zach's cup usually has juice, and his usually has water, and even when he gets juice, it is never as "strong" as his brothers.

Matt is such a little groover. All you have to do is turn on music and he will spin around and sway his little butt in the air. It is precious, and he is so into it, he'll actually run from another room to get to the music so he can shake his groove thing.

Even though he's one, Matt loves hide and seek. Zach isn't really original in his hideouts, so I always know he is in the playtent or under his play table. Matt lately crawls in behind him. Whereas Zach put his head down so I don't see him, Matt face always is looking out to see where I am. I can't tell you how many times I've pretended I don't see them so I can see the double dimple smile spread across Matt's face!

Which brings me to Z:

When playing hide and seek, Zach will tell you where he is hiding. He gets impatient, and if you pretend you are worried, he will call out, "I am hiding under the chairs Momma" but still remain with his head hidden. So funny.

Zach loves Superhero's and his Hulk hands. He does a special deep voice to go along with his Hulk persona.

The other day we all went to drop Wayne off to get his car from service. All of a sudden from the backseat I heard, "Mommy, we forgot Daddy." "No Zach Daddy went to get his car." "Mommy daddy doesn't have a car, we have to go back and get him."

Another really comical one was when Zach saw a picture from our wedding. He looked and me and said, "Wheres I at?" and then gasped..."Momma you forgot me" No Zach you weren't born yet. Him: "Yes I was born, in a hospital...right Mommy?"

After going to school for the 1st time the other day(I call Daycare school, it makes me feel less horrid, I also sometimes affectionately refer to it as crapcare) Zach said to me, "Mommy we left Lennie there." I said, "No Zach we left Lennie at home." Z: "We have to go get him." M: "Zach when Mommy goes to work, you and Matt will go to school and Lennie stays home." z: "But I want Lennie to come to school with me." m: "Zach Lennie can't go to your school he's a dog." z: "Well I want Lennie to go to school with his friends too. Mommy will you take Lennie to doggie school?"

However when I say, "Lennie's my boy." He says, "Lennie's not a boy, I'm a boy right Mommy!" I say, "Yes Zach, but Lennie is a boy dog." To which Zach just corrects..."No Mommy, Lennie is a dog."

I could seriously go on forever with comical conversations I have with my 3 yr old and the funny things my one year old does. So tell me readers what are some of the funny things in your life right now?

Randomness of nerves...

Don't you hate being on the brink of change? It's scary. I hate it. And yet it is part of life. There is something remarkable in the human spirit that it adapts, adjusts. I am looking forward to being adapted, adjusted. Right now though, my mind races with scenarios. My world is going up in a tidal wave, and I can either ride it out, or I can be pulled under. I am intending on rising with the challenges I am facing. I am sure at times I will feel like I am drowning. Good thing God sent me such a strong support system. Sometimes I am awed by how people cope with true tragedy. I am so dramatic about minor events in the scheme of things. I think it is a curse and a blessing. A curse because my mind races and anxiety rises, a blessing because I am conscious in the moment, not blindsided by the massiveness of change.

Some changes are good. Right? Getting married. Having children. Moving into your dream home.

Some changes devastate. Losing a loved one. Losing a job. Getting ill.

Some changes, are just changes. They aren't good or bad per se, they are what you make of them. Moving to a new city. Taking a new job. Deciding where you are going to go to school.

Yet change is change, and right at the inception of that change, on the brink of the past colliding with the reality of the present there is a moment that, regardless, a sense of fear/sadness creeps in. Usually that's the moment right before you get ready to embrace the change if its for the good, or set up a game plan for the change if it isn't so great. It is a moment that take some serious soul searching, some introspection, and some bravery. It is from that brink that I write tonight, because tomorrow is a new day, a day that will have some tears, some reunions, some apprehension, and much sadness. But it is only one day. After that, when the transition starts to become routine this moment won't matter. But tonight. I have to sleep in this moment. Breathe in the moment. And stay strong in this moment. Tonight the reality of my tomorrow isn't weeks, months or years away, it is finally here.

Bambi on Ice...

OK. Maybe not Bambi, but definitely Zach on ice. Just a month shy of his 3rd birthday, I finally convinced Wayne that it was a good idea to take Zach ice skating. You see, I might have tried to take him myself before, but I can't ice skate at all. I've tried three times in my life, and although I can somewhat stay up, I am not sure footed enough to teach anyone else how to skate. Wayne on the other hand has been ice skating since he was six, and actually knows how to handle himself on the ice. Neither of us knew if it was going to be a disaster, or a great experience, but we gave it a try.

The most trying part of the process was getting the skates, and then getting them on. Zach was excited to get out there the moment we walked in the door, so anxious he kept pulling his foot out of the skates, which almost led to Wayne pulling his own hair out. By the end of the process, which took at least 10 minutes, Zach was pretty moody. He couldn't understand all the waiting:

I would have loved to be more of a help in the putting on the skates process, but I had my hands full, either with literally holding Matt or chasing him. He thought the ice rink was the coolest place we've ever been...no pun intended: This picture is blurred because Matt is literally running!

Zach did pretty well balancing and walking on the skates on the ground, but when he got out on the actually ice. He looked like a deer in headlights:

I would love to tell you he glide out on the ice like it was the most natural thing in the world to him, but that didn't happen. He was stumbling all over the place, and had Wayne not been holding him up, he would have spent at least 13 of the 15 minutes he was out there on his butt in the ice. He was not a virtuoso at skating, but he was very brave, and he took the whole thing in stride. I am so glad he wasn't like a 6 yr old boy I saw, father clutching him to hold him up, forcing him to skate, tears streaming down the kids' eyes, because he didn't want to be there.

Instead the experience was priceless.

It was wonder,

Apprehension,

Frustration,

Laughter,

Falling,

Learning,

and most of all fun!

I am so proud of my new little skater:

And his first skating teacher, his Dad:

They both showed such patience and perseverance. Which is a good thing, because based on the twinkle in his eye, this little one isn't going to be happy to watch from the sidelines, much longer!

I can't wait to go back, and laugh at my boys, all three of them! Maybe, just maybe it might be as early as this coming weekend. We'll just let Zach decide.

The only thing worse...

Than getting a bad haircut, is getting your child one!

Zach didn't have a lot of hair as a baby...or early toddler. In fact he was almost two before his hair finally came in. For that reason I have left it long. I didn't want to trim the sides much, or the back, or the front. Basically I wanted him to have a mop of hair. Well recently Zach's hair has been "crazy" to quote him, and we decided that it was time to try something new.What better time to get a haircut then right before you start school. I mean wasn't that always part of the checklist. New shoes, new backpack, new haircut! Here is a photo of Zach with his crazy hair:

Every day when he got up cowlicks would appear in random places. Try as we might to slick them down, new ones would pop up in their place.

So last night we set off with the intention of giving Z a cool big boy cut. One that we could style spiky with some hair gel. I even found a picture of what I thought would look good. As soon as the "stylist" pulled out the clippers Zach was panicking. He just wanted to get out of the chair...solid instincts on that kid. I of course held his head steady as the lady slowly shaved off much of his hair. I couldn't believe how much blonder it was under the longer layers she shaved off. Then she cut the top, and I knew we were in trouble. All of the images of Z as a nearly bald baby rushed in. When Z looked in the mirror, he was so upset. I tried not to look upset, and said, "You look so handsome". He just looked at his reflection and said, "I don't like it, I look like a baby!" I felt horrible. All the best intentions and even a 3 yr old knew that his new do was a dud!

Wayne and I tried to retain our composure, and I assured Zach that the great thing about hair is that is grows back. He was slightly bummed so Wayne offered to get him ice cream. That did the trick, the trauma was behind him and we went to Coldstone and got him some cotton candy ice cream with rainbow sprinkles. He was so anxious to eat it all the way home, and Wayne just looked at me and said, "Well now we know, we should just keep his hair long!" Real helpful!

Zach allowed me to take a few pics of him while he ate his ice cream. He wasn't thrilled at the thought of having his pic taken, but he did insist I take this pic of his ice cream:

Here Zach is reluctantly modeling his new cut:

And him enjoying his bribe, uh I mean treat!

Don't worry bub, you have such a beautiful face that you don't really need a lot of hair. But man oh man, how I wish I was combing down those cowlicks this morning instead of trying to gel up your relative buzz cut!

Sing me a song you're my piano men...

My boys LOVE music. It is actually amazing, because they both just naturally love to dance, and sing, it was one of the first things they liked to do. When we go to my Mom's its my boys that love to run and play her piano and sway their little behinds to their melodies. My Mom has told me that if this keeps up one day they will inherit her piano. Grandma Alice also knew of Zach's love for piano's and this year she bought the boys the cutest little Baby Grand piano for Christmas. It was an instant hit with Matt, and he started playing and swaying day one.

His love has continued to grow for the piano, and often times he'll venture through the house and Wayne and I will hear Matt tickling the ivories. He laughs as he plays, and is so entertained. He's ever learn how to sit on the little stool and play. Just look at how sweet this little virtuso is:

Matt's favorite time to play the piano is when Zach is rocking out on his drums, or guitar. If Zach isn't at the drums...Matt wants to be, and when Matt is at the piano, Zach wants to be. Thank goodness we have instruments galore to keep these two entertained. Every once in awhile the two will confer and Zach will give Matt pointers:Then he'll take over to show how its done: He gets so into his music I've been prone to call him Elton when he plays the piano:
I love that they embrace music. I can say it is wonderful watching them play together, and they use all sorts of instruments:

Obviously they both adore the piano, but they also both love playing the recorder:

And the guitar brings out the rocker in the boys:

But, of all the instruments in our playroom , the one that gets things started is usually the drum set. Matt loves chewing on the sticks and tapping away when he can, and Zach loves going "animal" when he gets behind the set. He is a wildman behind those things, and Matt is his number one fan:

I am pretty sure that I see band practice someday in the future, and I wouldn't be surprised if both the boys end up playing the piano, and the drums. But hopefully not at the same time, right Zach?
You gotta love the creativity!

Vaseline...

You know, this stuff:

Well when I was a kid I would always get nosebleeds in winter. The dry cold air of the Northwest resulted in some pretty nasty nosebleeds and embarrassing memories. I can remember one time waking up in the middle of the night and rushing to the bathroom, only to bleed into the sink and have it splatter on the cool puffy wallpaper we had in PA. It was pretty gross, so naturally my Mom asked the Dr what could be done. His answer lubricate the nostrils to keep the area moist, and help prevent bleeding. So since I was about eight years old, every night before I go to bed, I apply a slight amount of Vaseline to the edges of my nostrils. There is a personal tidbit I never thought I'd share!

Last week when we were staying at my parent's house, I brought my trusty Vaseline, and left it on a side table tucked behind some items in the room where Wayne and I were sleeping. I thought nothing of it. One afternoon I put Zach down in that room since his brother was just going to take his nap in the room they were sharing and I didn't want them to keep each other awake. I checked on the boys 20 minutes later, without entering their rooms, all was quiet therefore all was well. Or so I thought...

An hour later, I went up to check on the sleeping boys, and decided to open the door. I was expecting to see Zach's blond hair poking out from the blanket. Instead I found Zach sitting at the foot of the bed. At first I noticed his pants and socks were off. Then I realized that he was shiny, and a moment later I saw the Vaseline container, tucked into the sheets of the bed. I looked at my son, Vaseline was spread into his hair, It was all over his face, it was smeared across his shirt, it was a mess. I asked, "What did you do?" and was told "It was an accident." I then shrieked, "Why would you do this?" He calmly responded, "I wanted to put some on my nose." It was semi comical, and somewhat infuriating at the time. You see, I knew he had gotten that Vaseline on the sheets, the silk comforter that my mother had in the room, and I knew those things were ruined forever. And yet, I left them behind, because I could buy new ones, although my Mom wouldn't let me, I just knew I had to get him clean. Into the shower he went, and the whole event seemed to pass for him without inconvenience. I explained he shouldn't touch anything like lotions, or chemicals and how they could harm him, but it wasn't until later that night, when Wayne and I read the label of the Vaseline bottle that panic set it. I read about how if you got Vaseline in your eyes, you needed to flush it out, had I done a good enough job? I wasn't sure what had happened in that room, and Z wasn't talking. I read that if you ingested Vaseline you were to call poison control. Scary stuff. I couldn't help but hear my Mom in the back of my head saying, "It's not his fault, you shouldn't have left it there." And my lame excuse, "He knows better." and her response, "Amy he's two." Damn it she was right again...I guess being a Mom for 35 years trumps my 3 years every time.

So what am I taking away from the Vaseline incident of 2011. I am taking the hilarious memory of Zach covered in Vaseline, looking like I'd caught him with his hand in the cookie jar, my Mom's advise that I should be more cautious about where I leave some items, I am taking away a feeling of relief that nothing poisonous or devastating happened, I am still sorry about the bedding, even though my Mom already replaced it saying she never liked it anyways, and I am heeding the warning that some things need to be left OUT OF THE REACH OF CHILDREN...even when you think they know better!

Home again, Home again, Jiggity Jig!

Ok. Technically we have been home for 2 nights, but today was the last day of project drywall. I am thrilled to say that tomorrow I will be able to stay home with my family without random workers in our home. Its funny though, because as much as I missed my house, I did enjoy all of the extra time at my folks. I loved having nap time to talk to my Mom, and it was great to see the boys spoiled with some extra Grandma and Papa time!

Our stay was semi- uneventful...I will have to tell the Vaseline story another day, and I may have almost started a fire in the microwave, but aside from that we made it through unscathed.

Our house however, underwent some major changes, and I LOVE that I no longer have white flat paint surrounding me. Some people love white, and used in moderation it makes for great decor, but I am a color girl. Since I don't think I want to paint these rooms again for the next 20 years or so, I went neutral. Its always tricky to me to balance neutral so it doesn't seem blah!

One area that was vacant was my foyer. For Christmas my parents bought me this demilune table that I love. Unfortunately, as you remember, so did Matt and he pulled it down on himself the first day I had it up. After the walls were painted Wayne secured the table to the wall, so it won't be a hazard, and I quickly went to work trying to find the right pieces to make the space inviting and stylish. I just had to share a pic and get some feedback.

What do you all think of my new foyer?

I'm not sure about the floral arrangement just yet.

I love the vase, but I was wondering do the flowers look alright?

Also would you add something to the right of the table. Perhaps something that is cream to bring the white tones over to the other side? I have my eye on a cream terra cotta pear that would look neat, but I don't want to overcrowd the area.

As an interesting side note, Matt shows no interest in my new decor. Zach on the other hand has been trying to hide behind my vase. Believe it or not, nothing is breakable on that table, and those candles are LED ones. That way I can light them without panic setting in.

Hopefully you'll leave a comment...I've been feeling a little in need of some feedback.

I'm so thankful to be home, and so happy to be back with you!

Life under construction...

I may post this coming week, I may not. It will all depend. Even though our house is "new" it is in need of some cosmetic surgery, largely drywall touch ups from a relatively careless crew. The builder has been kind enough to come back and fix what should have been done correctly the first time, and as a bonus is painting our vaulted places, foyer, family room, ect. That is a perk. What isn't a perk is having to keep the kids out of the house during the day, and possible at night depending on the extent of the reconstruction, clearing the rooms of everything we don't want covered in drywall dust, and prepping the house for a crew to come through. We don't know what our game plan is, we are playing it by ear.

Fortunately my parents have offered their home to us once again. How lucky that I have such generous parents that let my family invade their home at will. Seriously, it is awesome of them. I am looking forward to this being over. I really just want to be settled. Settled in my home. Settled in my job, settled in to the new routine on the horizon.

Either way I will be around...I will be back soon!

Snapshots of my sons...

I think I want to remember every aspect of being a parent to these two precious boys. I know they teach me everyday, be it something about them, myself, or the world and what truly matters in it. I know I think they are two of the most extraordinary people I have every known, yes, I know I am biased. I am pretty sure though when they tower over me one day, and live the lives they choose for themselves, I will always look at them in awe. Awe that I was the one that was chosen to be their Mom.

Since Z comes first in age, I feel like Matt should come first in this post:

Matt is a boy of few words. I think that is because I let him off the hook most of the time, and respond to his whimpers or protests, reading them as though they are the English language. Matt is clever, thoughtful, happy go lucky, persistent, adventurous, and sweet. He loves to be loved, and often follows us around demanding to be held by wrapping his little arms around our legs. He is so entertained by Lennie at the moment, and loves picking up the dog's toys and getting him to chase him. His loves his brother, and the two of them are finding a groove of their own. They laugh with each other, hide with each other, chase each other, hug each other, and of course annoy each other...they are siblings after all. During a given day Matt is most happy when he is playing with blocks, carrying balls, chewing on the trains, or stealing toys from Z. He loves to dance, and play musical instruments, he might even like Z's drums more than Z, and he loves to eat and nap. Bath time is a favorite for Matt and he often entertains us all by trying to drink bath water from the drum(I think he likes our protests), blow into the water whistle, or squirt the fish. He is a charmer through and through, and he warms every one's heart who gets to share in his smiles. He is a beautiful baby, with two of the deepest dimples I've ever seen, and he is content to be with his family. Matt likes to toddle off to explore, but he is happiest when we are all together and he is in the mix. Recently Matt has taken to making vroom sounds when he plays with cars, and everyday he is starting to become more verbal. Today he said "doggie" in regards to Lennie, and I know it is only a matter of time, before this little inquisitive mind starts talking constantly like the rest of us:

I am pretty sure that as Matt grows he will always be just a little bit taller than his brother was at his age, which is why I call him "The bigger little brother." No matter how big Matt gets, he has such a tender heart, and he will look out for others. I know he will blur the lines sometimes in his life, because he tests limits even now, and I also know that when he is doing it, he'll flash me one of those smiles, and melt my resolve. He is so clever!

Zach is an entertainer. He loves attention, (I don't know where he gets this from LOL) and he loves to make people laugh. Zach is high energy all of the time, unless he is sleeping, or watching tv. He loves superheroes at the moment and he will tell you if you ask, "That Wolverine is my favorite, because he is yell woh and yell woh is my favorite" He also loves to pretend he is The Hulk, and will warn, "If you touch me, I will turn into the Hulk" or "If I eat this I will be The Hulk". He is a talker, and he is bossy. He does it in a way though that most of the time is endearing, but still he wants things his way. He is particular about almost everything, from what toys people should play with, to what he should do, He often says "That would not be a good idea" if he doesn't want to go somewhere or do something. He pretty much loves peanut butter and jelly, chocolate donettes, and potato chips. He is also the pepperoni and cheese champ! How a baby that would eat anything became such a picky toddler is beyond me, but he will say. "Um this is good"or "I like it" when he is pleased. Zach loves to build with his duplos, or play cars, paint,do puzzles, read books, wrestle with his Dad(his favorite by far), and tell jokes. Recently he made up his own Knock Knock joke, and I must say I was impressed. It goes: "Knock Knock Whose there? Banana Shaken. Banana Shaken who? Banana Shaken Milkshake(insert toddler laughter)". Zach is super outgoing these days always introducing himself to kids we run into in stores, or in the neighborhood. He is cautious though of strangers, always looking to me to see if it is ok asking "I want to say hi to that little girl". Zach is also very sensitive towards others and has been this way since toddlerhood. He always says, "it's o tay" and pets your hair if you are sad, or runs and gives hugs if Matt falls and cries. Zach is a cuddler, even though he is three he still loves to climb up on my lap to watch tv, and always runs to his Dad when he leaves for work demanding "I need my big hug and a kiss.", or "You forgot your big hug and a kiss." He loves to be a "fixer" and he is "a good little helper, right Mommy." He is a sweet little man, and I know he is a nurturer at heart. I always say he is going to be more sensitive and God help us when he goes through his first heart break. He loves to talk to girls, and he is a little flirt. Everyone who meets Z is charmed by him, because he also loves to flash his dimples. He is such a handsome little man, and I know exactly where he gets that from: Talk about a mini- me! I try to deny it, but Zach favors his Dad...ok a lot, at least in the looks and energy department! I sometimes still can't believe that this Italian looking girl, has such a light haired child. I think that is why I tell Z that he is my blond bombshell!

Amazing... my sons truly are amazing! And that is just a snapshot of who they are, at this very moment! Can you imagine what lies ahead in their lives? By God's grace, and some diligent parenting; good stuff, really good stuff for the two sweetest boys I've ever laid eyes on!

A New Year begins...

I have been very reflective for the last few days. I got to thinking one night that in 2010, I didn't work one day out of my home. Therefore I am dubbing 2010, the year I was a SAHM- translation...Stay at home Mom.

Being able to be home for the last 14 months with my boys has meant more to me than I will every be able to express. I have been able to savor the mornings, playing in our pj's not having to worry about hustling out the door, bags being packed, breakfasts being rushed. I have been able to feed them lunch every day, tuck them in for nap time every afternoon, and relish the hours, I would have missed if I'd been working. I have been able to be their constant, and while I know when I head back to work in a few weeks, I will still be their constant, it will be in an entirely different way.

It has been a blessing seeing Matt through nearly every moment of his first year, and really being able to see his firsts as they were happening, it has also been remarkable to watch Z grow into a little boy from a toddling baby 14 months ago. His jokes and stories brighten my days, and I know I will look forward to hearing all about what he has been up to at "school". No one can tell a story quite like that little boy.

Their is a sadness in my heart as I write, mostly because I am on the brink of change. When I left my job last October, I knew it wasn't forever, and yet my return seemed an eternity away. Over the last year, if I am entirely honest there have been days when I have felt like I would run out the door back to my job, just to get away from the crying, the fits, the constant needs/wants, it is my responsibility to fill in a given day. Being a mother who stays home constantly with their children is a marvel. It makes you dig deep into your core. It changes you. There are days that you don't get to savor a single moment, not a cup of coffee, a good show, a song you love singing, nothing! Those days are tough, but if your smart and you stop, you'll see a hug shared between brothers, hear a joke that makes no sense, but truly entertains your two year old, watch a one year old learn to build blocks, or flash you a set of dimples that warms your heart. You will see a fall, and be able to have the honor of being the one to console your child, your children, your world. It is a remarkable role, one of honor, one that is not for the faint of heart, one that requires selfishness at all times, because to be honest in my experience, a little part of "you" gets lost in them, maybe in some cases, a lot of you gets lost. And while a part of me wishes daily I could walk the path of being a SAHM another month, year, decade, its not in the cards for me.

Why? I could tell you I need the money, and its sort of true. I need the money to live the lifestyle my husband and I committed to. I need to help pay for our new house, our bills, my school loans, etc. Then again, I could live without the new house, the nice car, the new gadgets we just have to have to stay home with my sons. I could, but I don't. I love my sons. I love my husband, I love my life, but I also love myself. I love the part of me that stands up in the front of a classroom and explores words, lives, and moments. I love the girl who existed before Wayne came into my life and made me a wife, before Zach and Matt came into my life and made me a mother, I love that girl who went out and educated herself and made HERSELF a teacher.

In 30 years, my sons will have grown into men. I know that will happen, as much as I want them to stay the boys they are. In 30 yrs, I won't feel the heartbreak I feel tonight even thinking of leaving my sons and returning to the "workforce". In 30 years, I will still be a wife, a mother, a teacher(most likely retired), and a woman who tries her best to give all she can to each of those roles.

I am sad. I am excited. I am nervous. I am scared. I am on the brink of change. 2011, is not the year of being a SAHM for me, but it was an honor to have the opportunity at least once in my life. A special thanks to my husband, who made it possible for me to have this cherished time with our sons. I will miss the role, I will miss being a stay at home mom year round, but rejoice in the fact that regardless of the title, working, stay at home, etc. I will always be Zach and Matt's full-time Mom. (Boy am I glad I get summer's off, so I can dabble in this role again!)